Am I Wrong for Feeling This Way?

Today, I was thinking about a family member of mine who is extremely sick. Basically, she is slowly dying from the disease she has.

And my thoughts today went somewhere that might sound a little harsh.

I started thinking about how mean she always was. Not always to me directly, but from sitting and observing her, and remember the way she made me or others feel.

She always seemed to have this fake grin on her face, and she could be very disrespectful to other family members. I never really connected with her. I mean, she is older than I am, but still…

I sat there reflecting on the person I have always known her to be. Now that she is dying, she is very nice. She is making more of an effort to be around family and seems to want that connection.

But I can’t seem to get some of her past ways out of my head.

I remember one time I was in a car with her and some other family members. She made us stop because she saw two guys on the side of the road. Apparently, they had opened their car door to put their jackets on for some event they were attending, and some paper fell out of their car and onto the ground.

Honestly, I don’t even think they saw it.

But she did.

And she yelled at them.

The way she spoke to them was harsh and unnecessary. She didn’t know them, and they didn’t know her, but she seemed determined to make a point about littering—as if she were trying to save the world in that moment.

I was so embarrassed.

I’ve never forgotten that moment. In my opinion, she could have made her point and spoken to them with a little more kindness.

Anyway, that’s just one story about Miss Know-It-All with a streak of meanness!

Now, fast-forward to today.

I’ve noticed that everyone is being so loving and supportive of her during this time—even some of the people I wouldn’t necessarily expect. And maybe this is wrong of me, but sometimes I wonder how genuine all of it really is.

Do we suddenly forget how someone treated us or others because they’re dying?

Do we forget the things they said or did?

Are we supposed to feel differently about someone simply because they’re nearing the end of their life?

That’s the part I’m struggling with.

I consider myself an extremely empathetic person, but I’m having a hard time feeling sorry for her. And then I question myself for feeling that way.

Am I wrong?

I’m not disrespecting her in any way whatsoever. I’m not being mean to her. I’m not wishing anything bad on her.

I’m simply not going out of my way to pretend.

And maybe that’s the part that’s uncomfortable to admit.

Just because someone is dying doesn’t automatically erase who they were or how they made you feel. At the same time, watching someone reach the end of their life does make you think about forgiveness, compassion, and whether holding on to old feelings even matters anymore.

Maybe I haven’t figured that part out yet.

Maybe I don’t have to.

Maybe I can wish her peace, hope that she isn’t suffering, and still be honest with myself about the relationship we had.

I don’t think compassion has to mean pretending the past never happened.

Maybe it just means choosing kindness now—even when the past makes that difficult.